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Machinery

by Joseph DeSimone

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1.
In the light of the blue sky And you’re squinting your eyes “Hold still, It’s got to be just right” The wind starts and the wind stops And you are Clutching at your hair And you’re muttering something about all this humidity that's in the air The way your flower pattern dress waves and flutters in the sun Like you’re staking claim on everything and everyone I never saw you that way before I never saw you that way A dandelion, toothless, plucked Up from your head into the air The yellow stains on fingertips searching for the ribbon of spit The smile spread out wide folding up the corners of your eyes "Hold still, it's got to be just right" I never saw you that way before I never saw you that way
2.
Still 03:20
I guess it is just the way you dress But you do seem a bit obsessed with death Or would you rather I just kept all these things I think to myself instead Your hand against the glass And your reflection looking back Is it real? Is it still? You’re in the wilderness Living so far out in the sticks like this And when the sunlight disappears The stars like they’re looking back down here There’s that shudder in your breath I know how frightened you get Is it real? Is it still? You always talk about these ghosts that you see Asking me what I think it might mean But I doubt if there’s much more to do Than to close our eyes and try not to move The same you and the same me And our bad skin and our crooked teeth Staring down at the top of houses And blood clots and car crashes Oh, I got such an ache in my head I hate the way you talk under your breath Wouldn’t you rather we just kept All the rest of this left unsaid? The air is so thick on my skin Like it’s the only thing holding me in Is it real? Is it still?
3.
Carcasses 02:44
And the ground begins to shake And everything seems so small and so far away But you are still awake And you have finally found the vein And you start to fade Like a carcass on the waves And I just watch as you float away But you talk in your sleep Saying words that you don’t mean And this is just how I dreamed it would be And you are such a warm body to me And every night it’s this same scene Under cold lights, in this dead heat We are buried deep, we are burning clean But I talk in my sleep Saying words that I don’t mean Smiling wide and showing all her teeth She said, “I’d like some answers please” “I’d like some answers please”
4.
Aftertaste 02:50
I don't know much about it Oh it’s really just to help you to sleep And I don’t think it’s all that deep It’s just some bullshit theosophy There's a woman in the water And there's a viper that bites at your chest It’s a story with a lesson at the end Another fable that I’ve never read There’s a cure you can take But it’s got such an aftertaste Of all of the days that you wasted away And every mistake that you’ve ever made It’s not just the weight of the anchor and the chain It’s the sight of the body of water above It’s the taste in your mouth as you swallow salt water and mud And it’s the crush of the depth Like the light hasn’t reached you yet And every time you take a breath It just feels like you ought to be drowning instead There's a cure you can take But it’s got such an aftertaste And the longer you hesitate The harder it gets to ever escape There’s a light on the shoreline There’s machinery buried deep And I can hear my name get called And I’m not scared at all The first step into water And the noise from the crowd The walls closing in on you As you start to head underground And it’s cracked and it’s warped And there’s blood on the floor Well let me go first, man Because I’ve seen all of this before
5.
Dead Leaves 03:45
Pride is a sin But you do like to brag a bit The dead leaves On the concrete Move like a river right up to me And how did we Ever learn to live like this? Fallen from the trees Down deep to the rot beneath Your lips, so warm and wet and red like I can't believe The dead leaves Like some new disease Or recrudescent perpetually Either way, I get so sick At the sight of it And your skin gets so flushed From the roughness of the touch And the name along the wall That just doesn't look like yours at all And the latch key Like some foreign policy You put your trust in me That this is just how it needs to be The sky is candlelight And your eyes fade from my sight And your voice carries through, the words you used: “Oh, I never meant To be cruel to you” And the dead leaves Turn to gasoline First they learn how to play dead And then they all just die eventually And what else could they do Beyond this multitude Of options That they still had left to choose “Of course it hurts. It was supposed to”
6.
Outside, You said, “It’s not like I know you how you wanted you to be” I stood Waiting Until it started making any sense to me And I was hearing all the traffic in the street And I was feeling all the streetlights looking down on me Violent and bright Like this was something worse Than just another lousy night There is a lesson I could learn But I am always just misunderstanding words And sweating from the heat And all this gravity that’s weighing down on me And I swear, sometimes I just go blank,I just stand there Cracking all the knuckles in my hands Until the surface starts To tear and come apart Ultraviolet and white Like I had set the atmosphere alight This world that tries to hide our hearts In these bodyparts And our skin is bubbling up And our chests have melted into mud I am torn and come apart And I will not be waking up
7.
Bluecaps 03:37
There’s something out there There’s a glowing blue light I don’t know how it turned on I don’t know how it turned around But I know it’s staring us down We should run There’s a fire out there And there's electrical arcs We ought to hide Or maybe you should have Just picked up your trash
8.
No, I just need some time Alone right now, I I got a lot of little thoughts That I'd like to figure out Feel everything Splinter into skin Unraveling And blistering Eyes wide Just like Every night, every night Like I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe right Bristling At the bruises on the elbows and shins Breathe in Try and say anything First four Then six And seven more Calm down Breathe in, breathe out Just count, just count, just count No I Can't think, like I can't think right Gone Blind in the headlights Shimmering As is slips Feel everything Setting in First four Then six And seven more, and seven more Breathe out
9.
Just you And your shitty cigarettes And you are wondering what to watch next On your scratched up Panasonic-Youth junkyard television set And I am heading over soon I’ve just got some more work left here to do Then I will try and see you Sitting there, all done up With paper on your tongue, and you are Barely even moving You’re just staring out from way behind your eyes Flickering skin in some new kind of color And I wonder what you’re thinking Like I wonder each and every single time And I could spend the whole night Right here with you Another album loop And it’ll be morning soon Try and take a breath And keep the oxygen inside of your chest It’s an old thought that got lost in my head A new memory of every single word you ever said So stop talking like I won't be there And quit acting like you're not scared Because there's something vulgar going on in here And your fingerprints are everywhere Had another bad dream of me and you Another album loop that I sat silent through I got so much to say, you know, I I just never do And it’s easy that way Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m coming back to life And lately I’ve been feeling like I haven’t done a thing that wasn't wasting time And when I ever get to sleep I just dream of this bright white, sanitary kind of light And I try to comprehend The way it rips away the skin Until we’re both back to bones again So I hope you don't mind If I keep to myself for a while Dreaming of you And everything we didn’t even think to try to do
10.
I guess you ought to know by now And I shouldn't have to spell it out It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s alright It’s not like you can’t tell I know I’m not hiding it very well It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s alright It's another night of this And I'm tired, and maybe that’s all it is It’s fine, it’s fine, I know, that's true And I know you don’t need me to say it out loud But sometimes I think I do Kept it on scattered notes A sort of code to keep it close But never finished Never written I don’t want to say the words And I don’t want to talk anymore But I still remember what I wrote In those old notebooks The pavement, the paint, The voices in the wind, The insects hiding all of their guts Inside of their little skeletons And a message left for you Of what I really mean to do I don’t know how you could’ve missed it It’s just another episode It’s an overdose on Rob Crow And it’ll pass me by the morning I know There’s this shiver in the air And it’s crawling over everywhere As I just sit and I stare out these open windows Well I hope when you look up you’ll see The stars the sky, the clouds, the rain, the haze Because I'd hate to take that away Just so you could see the vague eyes and loose shape of my face Because I won’t miss you At least not like Slint, Shellac, Pinback told me to Both of us lying there And the look you gave me Like I was crazy to even ask A pair of trembling hands Tracing the scabs on your back Pressing my head against your shoulder blades And hearing your heart race The ground feels so close And the sky is so far away And I am afraid To move To wake you Afraid like I might wake up too When allI really mean to do Is wake up with you And have you here still To wake up with me too First breath first words Like it was the only thing I’d ever heard It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s alright And the ice and the snow And the morning light, it’ll be alright, you know And I’m fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm alright
11.
Songbirds 05:29
Oh, I don’t doubt the sound Of the thunderstorm thrashing around Tearing out the power lines right up from the ground Right up from the ground, right up from the ground Striking me down for my wickedness And anyone else who might try to make sense of it Right up from the ground, right up from the ground Oh, that's the sort of sound I can’t bear to be around Please don't let me be found out Please don't let me be found Songbirds, songbirds Sing at 60 hertz Trying to form the words Sounds like a fairy tale at first Songbirds, songbirds Build the pressure Up until it ruptures and bursts Songbirds, songbirds Telling me the history of the world Oh, I can barely hear it anymore All this talk of famine, death, and pestilence, and war And all these words I’ve never heard before And anyway, lately,I’ve just been getting bored I am stuck in traffic Singing to myself like it’s my only habit Repeating mantras, trying to calm the panic I am delineated I am metabolic I am fully functioning If you ever want to come by and linger on it Because I just can’t handle these consequences Of living these lifetimes again and again And again and again and again and again And again and again and again and again They tell me to put pressure to keep the wound closed But maybe it’s good if I bleed I don’t know And I’m talking too fast like I always do I just can't help but get nervous when I'm with you Oh, maybe that’s love but it’s hard to tell I'm running on coffee and water and not all that much else I know I can be such a prevaricating mess But I just cannot handle these consequences Of living each lifetime again and again If I’m quiet I can hear them all start to sing Softly at first as the thunder begins And then louder again at the end of everything Songbirds, songbirds Sing at 60 Hertz Trying to find the words Songbirds, songbirds Build the pressure up Until it ruptures and bursts Songbirds, songbirds Never learned Never learned, they never learned Why they would ever seek shelter from the storm Telling me stories of the end of the world And all of these mysteries that come before Well I don’t want to hear it anymore

credits

released November 18, 2022

Joseph DeSimone - guitar, vocals
Recorded and mixed by Tristan Heles at The Watermelon Room
Mastered by Mat Leffler-Schulman at Mobtown Studios

These songs represent my first earnest attempts at songwriting. Flower Pattern was the first song I had ever sung, and Songbirds was the song that felt like I had finally achieved, more or less, what it was that I had set out to do as a songwriter. The album is not strictly in chronological order but it does progress deliberately: from early formal attempts into more unrestrained emotion, and then into catharsis. These songs predate this album's recording by several years; I had written them in my mid-to-late twenties mainly as a ploy to try to meet and convince at least a couple of musicians to start a rock band with me, and once that finally happened I let these songs gather a bit of dust. To those familiar with my more recent output with Gay Baseball, these songs are likely going to seem much more anxious and tumultuous, but they represent a period of transition and recuperation. I had moved from New Jersey to Maryland; nobody knew me and I knew nobody. Writing these songs was an attempt to finally assert some self-sufficiency in my music and my life and make as strong a first impression as I could muster. It was also, in hindsight, a way to exorcize myself of the person who I had been prior and construct myself more deliberately into the person that I wanted to be. It was my hope while writing these songs that they would be heard as complete compositions using only my guitar and my voice, and so I have chosen to have them recorded without any supporting instrumentation.

Thank you Tristan for recording and mixing this album, and also for being the reason this record exists at all.
Thank you Mat Leffler-Schulman at Mobtown Studios for mastering.
Thank you Erik Schwarzenberg, Mike Walls, Mat Leffler-Schulman, and Garrett Long for mix feedback.

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Joseph DeSimone Baltimore, Maryland

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